Anonymous asked: dear bellwire, how do I start an advice column? Love, Columns Are Terrific
Hold on, slugger. Before we talk about how to get an advice column, let’s talk why.
Now that superstars like Katy Perry, Dick Cheney and Dick Cheney’s backing band (The Chains) have high-profile columns in Cosmopolitan and Seventeen, everyone south of Mt. Washington wants to try their hand at the ‘column. But what these glamourous sex icons don’t tell you is advice columns are dangerous. Just last year six thousand advice columnists died from retributive advisees, stage-six finger sprains and tragic orgy accidents alone.
Then there’s the mental strain. I wake up and think, “Dear bellwire, what should I eat for breakfast? Sincerely, Hungry and Already Late for Work.” And next thing I know I’m coaching myself through the quicksands of middle-age and my boss is on the horn to say I’m fired. Then I’m on the couch with a half-gallon of Rocky Road answering “Dear Bellwire, where it’d all go wrong? Sincerely, Candle in the Wind.”
If none of that compels you, then—still—FUCK! OFF! This is MY THING!
x o x o,